2008.

so here i write on the final day of 2008. though some very amazing moments were had, i'm not too upset that this year is coming to an end. i spent too much time with too many dead end girls. some of which i am not sad to see fade beyond memory. i've seen the idea of home transform a few times, some for better which ended up worse, some for better which are okay for the meantime. i met some really incredible people, some who have inspired me, some who i have impressed, some who have changed the way i see the map held between my fingertips. the sounds flowing into my ears have shifted. the way i move my feet, altered. much like an other year, yet so different at the same time. so really here i am looking back at prior i's. kind of hard to accurately sum up. i think back month by month & by now its mainly a blur. maybe the major focal point should be each aspect of my life & the changes made.

music for me had changed over the course of the year. my main focus had been side-lined pretty hard. enough to put it in a coma. ideas came together for new possibilities. but nothing really clear by any means. for a short time i found myself back into the swing of things as mostly just a fill-in for someone else. though at times enjoyable, never really my thing. but it was good to be back. it was nice to experience little differences not present before.

home became more of a concept over time. the first major move of the year changed the idea of home into just where i would end up sleeping every night. never really feeling right & never really allowing me to settle or feel too comfortable. the idea was lost & more changes were made. to a better place in a different sense. still even with my new surroundings & much better situation, this still doesn't really feel like home. maybe something else is lost from the equation. who knows, really.

family has always been important to me but this year really had a noticeable change. in june, i was able to get together & meet one of my only cousins i've never known on my father's side of the family. the circumstances quite insane. she's three years younger & lives not too far away. oh, & our dads are twins. yup. we bonded pretty well & have been fairly close ever since. almost like a brother/sister relation rather than just cousins. a healthy change in my life. probably one of the best things that has happened to me all year.

money & the after effects. at one point i had lost my job which eventually transformed into me having two jobs. the down time was rather miserable but as a result i got a new job. & during that transistion i returned to my previous job. so a major change in my schedule was the result. keeping a relatively same budget as before, i was able to afford many upgrades to my life. all of which were quite welcomed by me. also i became quite overworked but these days, such is life. as written in my previous entry, i recently went on vacation. as a result of the changes involved with my life due to having two jobs, i was actually able to afford to take time off & relax for once. it made everything much more worthwhile.

lastly, love. or in most cases, the lack of. the year & previous ones had led me straight down a long road of apathy. the failed attempts, not always my fault, had begun to highlight the faults in the way many live their lives. many cases, causing me to reflect back on better days & the huge constrast between the nows & then. everyone seems so consumed by the wrong. it's pretty sad. but it's fine. i'm okay with that. cause as the year winds down, i feel the weight of everything dragging me more & more into the sand. however, more so than before, i am ready to cut the ankle weights as i move forward. i've got my head on straight now.

dallas, texas.

so finally, after so much time, i actually went on a vacation. hard to believe, yes. but it was much needed. first off, i flew to dallas, texas. never in my life have i flown alone & the last time i was even on an airplane was april 2002. i drove to the airport & checked in with very little problem. sat in the waiting section for a while & started to compose a note. the following was written, much like the rest of my blog & while waiting at the philadelphia international airport on 12/26/08:

to think. these thoughts swirling around like lost planes as i wait at the airport. numbers & such. aging & distancing. i grow older, memories grow distant, oh & im waiting at the airport. who are you? where are you from? where are you headed? what has your life been like prior to this? who is waiting for you when you arrive? sitting in the corner of C17's waiting area. my own little hide out. there's people here, who from just observation, remind me of people from my past.

then i pretty much stopped & boarded the plane. a few notable things; "air traffic control" by jets to brazil is much more amazing to listen to while looking out an airplane window. the clouds are amazing & if it was ever possible, that's where i wanna live. so anyway, i landed, in one piece, the weather was beautiful, a few phone calls & a conversation with a family from philly, i was picked up by one of the most talented bassist in my opinion. i was fortunate to witness one of my favorite band's first rehearsal in roughly four years. a reunion for them. to hear all 14 songs for the first time, in a tiny room, in my face. priceless. the rest of the evening included a vegan diner, record shopping, the curious case of benjamin button, & being the first to sleep over a new apartment. the next day was a late start continued with small errands, tiny discoveries & lessons, some additional errands, whole foods (including food on the house, thanks dude), & eventually a bike ride through the city of dallas with my ipod. it was an amazing time. to explore on my own. something i grew up doing on my own turf. the evening was even better, seeing record hop for the first time, seeing red animal war return to their home town for one night only. the entire energy & community of that region was inspiring & at times, quite motivational. when the dust settled, i found myself on a couch in another part of town. sunday was a lazy, lazy day. woke up & watched movies, also watched dallas get destroyed by philadelphia. watched an old french animated film which was the influence to failure's "fantastic planet" which is one of my absolute favorite albums ever. few here & theres & ended another night on a different couch, same house. monday was my departure. nothing really spectacular about that other than the view of philadelphia from the sky during the sunset. absolutely beautiful for such a filthy city. the way things fell into place & all the thoughts flowing through my head as a result, leads to my new years goals. read about that sooner or later.

elmira.

on sunday, me & ian took our first roadtrip in a very long time. elmira, ny. first off, the night before i finally got together with my cousin & friends which was much delayed but always a good time. i came home late that night & set an alarm, or so i thought. woke up around 9:45 am when i should've gotten to ian's 15 mins prior to that. so i got up, got ready, & rushed out the door to his house. the ride up was quality, catching up, cracking jokes, interesting visuals. the earth rose & the road sank. it was amazing to see the trees up high, completely dipped in ice. finally we get into elmira, a town so behind that they still use payphones. no, seriously. in a rare moment, we crave taco bell but have no luck finding any at all. so wegman's it was. more payphone usage, more payphone sightings. oh, we had absolutely no cellphone service up there. so after that we went to the stadium for the game. trenton devils vs. elmira jackals. minor league hockey is the best. first, we were behind the devils' bench, with just glass between us & the team. second, fights galore. trenton won, we were happy. we got on our way home, favorite tunes followed by a stop at waffle house, oh how i miss thee. made it home & all was good. it's great to take a break from life & get away, especially with a good friend with years behind us. i'm ready to do it again.

the previous week, erin came up from north carolina. she actually flew up to ny & eventually made her way down to philly, where we crossed paths & took the day to hang out. it was like a 3 year reunion. we shot up to nyc which i suppose concludes my much-needed nyc trip of the year. this time & the start of the year when i got the chance to meet michel gondry. awesome. so yeah, we parted ways & i took the train home. life is interesting at times.

busy weekend ahead. so much to do before 2009. no clue what's in store for me.

emptiness.

nothing floating into my "need to blog about it" zones. i guess that's good. life is just pressing on. a few "i was totally right, you're so stupid" moments popping up. plugging holes in my free time like a leaky damn. weekend looks promising. the future, however. shit. the casket lottery on heavy rotation. end.

chemicals.

so this attempt to write daily has failed me. just as much as the opening line to this post. over & over & over & over again. so much on my mind, so much expressed to others through metaphoric comparisons, yet i find myself erasing all traces of my thoughts. i'm not getting any younger, obviously. so i guess i can blame it on age or something. things have been swirling in & out of my brain. i find myself being overworked & quickly my earnings tend to disappear. i have goals but i have very little sense of priority. day in day out, i am wrapped about in this tiresome cycle. free time is spent catching up on sleep, which has gotten a little out of control, as well as, paying bills & paying bills. exhaustion has me cutting down my hours in one way or another. none of which makes me happy. none of the above. so this gap in thought expression has been echoed by a lonely train ride home. prior to my turning of age, i had this idea for a photo. due to lack of equipment & lack of reliable people, my idea vanished. the idea was in relation to this concept i've been speaking of for so long. it speaks volumes to me. so where has this week taken me & what in the world is going on in my head that has me so stuck on words?! since relocating in october, one of my main objectives was to find time to see my friends of whom schedules collide. catching up & reminding myself of my surroundings. as the months carried, i found myself in the presence of more distant friends. causing a flow of comparisons & remember whens. matching up moments, past & present, as rather a list of pros & cons of the changes since when. what has changed. what is forever lost. free time, sleep, love. all gone in some way or another. modern times calls for the death of true romance, leaving any chance of something real, with substance, as forgotten as can be. how many of you have really expected your life to take such direction? what were your plans? what are your plans? how come no matter what my issues may be, everyone seems so fucked up? countless mistakes, admitted or not, are being projected by the mass majority of youth that i have at one point or another associated with. how can i keep faith in being happy somewhere down the line if everyone is so miserable & stuck without any effort towards escape? i had the world once, i had something to this day still haunts me from time to time. whether in a daydream, a nightmare, or just a mess of old memories. will i ever find something up to par in such a shitty sea of people? not a clue. i'm just so stressed out at times over the hopelessness of the future. no one makes a true effort anymore, no one thinks things out properly. no one cares anymore. make mistakes & settle for what seems easy. find comfort in false positives. who is real anymore?

spending.

so what was to be a pre-planned sunday turned into a clutter of last-minute adjustments. still went out to where i had intended to go. spent more money that i ever want to. its hard when you're doing better than months prior & you see things you want. bah! i got a birthday present. it's dope. i spent my only birthday month. it's dope. i've been thinking ahead & have ideas to look forward to. less of the "i don't need it but i need it" & more of either "i actually need it" or "fuck it, i need to save!". yup. something along those lines. i almost fell asleep without jotting down my thoughts. something i am trying to do more often. crap. haha. looks like sleep, work, attempt at sleep, then work, so-called nap, & repeat. maybe i'll write thoughts during my breaks at work & edit them later. sounds like zzzzz.

slacking.

so after my last post i thought about writing everyday for the next year, trying to keep track of everyday progression or lack of. so far i'm failing to do so. so here, a slight hiatus from my restless game of solitaire. since the last post, i was unable to resume sleep & ended up staying up since 3am. not bad considering 10am pumpkin pie or the birthday cake at work. little sweet treats here & there. mmm. sleep schedule is beyond out of whack. it's really getting to me. why else am i writing a blog post at this stupid hour. lately my scarce free time has been an effort to catch up on life. old routines that arent annoying & appreciative as far as reuniting. a smile-causing conversation via satelite signals. conclusion: i need to see some people more often. aside from tiny moments in regaining my free time, more sleep & restlessness. nothing more. pretty much. waiting to get my plane tickets for dallas, tx. it's going to be a great well-needed short vacation. so that's it. i cannot stop listening to Jackie Carol.

aging.

5 hours & 40 minutes post-birthday. i had this idea of a big post formulating in my head but somehow the static construction of time has me a bit off course. perhaps when i'm better rested & well... better rested, i can start catching up. having a birthday fall on a holiday based around thankfulness, i seem to reflect moreso than any other time. after all, last year was such a waste of a birthday. but for real, it's the reflections of time glaring so brightly that you cannot neglect to accept, whether good or bad. measured time translate to more piles of memories. each succession of aging, layered upon itself. who i am at 26 compared to 25 compared to 24 & so on. who is still here & who has held onto promises. friendships, relationships (lack of), substance. so looking back, i guess here's to the mistakes i hope never to repeat, the people who are still caring even if you never get to see them, & changes. something as much as i hate, i still embrace.

dearest blog & those who happen to stumble upon my thoughts, i'll try not to neglect you as much. there's a lot of things going on in my head & i guess you're a good way of keep track. so, more posts like we used to. time to sleep. i suck. haha.

encroachment.

the weather has been changing & any possible major change has hit me. slowly putting the pieces back in place & getting my feet off of the ground. rocket shoes, rocket ships. it feels like i finally have a chance to do this right. get my money straight without any bullshit circumstances arising. take the time to focus on my music. i decided i will (no matter what) write a full length album based on my "departures." concept. i am also about to crack the surface on perhaps the first major writing adventure with my old band. it should/could be interesting. i also thought a lot about writing my own actual solo record, something lo-fi, perhaps along the lines of some of my absolute favorite songs. so is that me in a nutshell? work, work, bills, eat, spend, music, sleep. i'm rebuilding a healthy surrounding in my life. wrapping myself in positives, cutting out the bullshit. i am happier this way. always seems to be something missing though...

growth.

still waiting...

imprinting.

during the past couple of years, i've grown a bit more used to the idea of "changes" as something i am in absolutely no control of. people come & go, things work &/or break, things can or cannot be controlled. in the passing days, a lot has shifted. leading to this feeling of comfort that i've long forgotten, yet at the same time it's opening back up buried notions. an evolving cast of characters in my sleepy state, a simple kiss to kill me. these are the dreams that haunt me. almost like a christmas carol toward my love life, or lack there of. not really measured on past, present, & future but much rather, levels of greatness. how greatly these things can destroy me. the biggest being the one that haunts the most. the others being fractured failures not really on the path of fixing. then there's this idea of possibilities, at least in my head. could these dreams have insight on hope for those who have given up on hope. i highly doubt it. everything is always so questionable. & i can never seem to make up my mind. leading myself through those tired reminders. imprinting reminders. something needs to happen. i miss the way the music felt, but its at my finger tips. i miss the feeling of having it all, at least as far as my own needs go. i miss myself more than anything.

(in)sanity.

feels like i'm on the verge of losing my mind. so much traveling around my brain & yet no time to piece it all together accordingly. we'll see if i survive this.

still.

waking up from the dreams that seem so real, can be so destructive because of the unclear message being presented. is this dream what i really want? is this dream a reminder of how fucked things have become. & why does this come back & tend to haunt me? if such a situation were to arise, would this be what i really want? so there we go, more fuel for the explosion in my head. something more to inspire, for the day i finally write this fucking album. words, words, words. yet no sound. no voice. there is so much goddamn destruction left behind. on a level unimaginable. keep pressing forward, not really realizing that something has gotten a hold of my ankles. keep running in those circles, keep opening my eyes to the layers of disappointment. who are we kidding anymore? two years spent preparing for the furthest of vacations, distant planets, places where i won't be found. yet distancing really has to do with my mind. too many summers spent on dead ends & false hopes. wasted summers, covered with obsticles almost like layers of snow. its all fucking crazy. or maybe just me. somehow throughout it all i remain hopeful. seeking inspiration in beautiful lead singers. finding comfort in new positives. yet this hills remains so steep & i'm far from the summit. questions seek answers & my calls seek response. is there anyone out? i've been waiting here forever.

farewell.

i need to sleep. i start working two jobs in the morning. "my free time was never free"

greatness.

two of my absolute favorite albums ever. two of my absolute favorite songs of all time are within these releases. despite any possible reputation i may have for my musical interests, these are without a doubt on the top of my list. wanna me to tell you more about their incredibleness? just ask!

framed.

changes.

for better or for worse. despite any signs of confusion, despite futures unpredictable, & perhaps this mental impending doom of sorts. life is changing full force & i'm learning to live without oxygen as my lost track of catching my breath. mystery, hopelessness, a audience full of liars, it's getting pretty stressful. keep my fingers crossed, my heart well-protected, & my goals injecting ideas into my brain. what now, boy?

visiting.

dearest blog, i have neglected you. perhaps due to my reluctance to dwell on negatives. in the past while i have spend my fair share of time wandering & discovering. the world is full of surprises & liars. i think i'll stick with the surprises for now. soon, i'll have something interesting to say. no promises.

wherever.

this brain has a mind of its own. processing & over-processing everything from now & then. i wish i could remember all of my final words & the things that i promised would be okay. sorry, but i was too fixated on capturing your image in my head for the last time. reminds me of a record we used to singalong to. hi, everythings great. wish i could say the same as i grow more cynical by the sunset. the past couple of years, catalogs of adventures, often misunderstood claims of mistake. each attempt at crawling out, failed reminders of better days. then comes the point where my mind draws a blank. something i cannot explain. perhaps i'm realizing that i don't even know myself anymore. who am i? what are you gonna wish for? where do those memories hide? at least i can't ruin this year. happy birthday, wherever you are...

foolishly.

the feeling that finally things were making sense, or that perhaps i was finally on the right step. the idea that maybe things will be amazing again, all of my cares, vaporized. the thought that for once i might be close to being happy again. a smile, a laugh, her eyes, my daydreaming. boy was i a fool. an idiot, to say the least. answers within reach, yet i neglected to step foot on that side of the fence. i foolish caution created nearly 2 years ago when the same curiousity did more than just kill the cat. & where are you, of all people, the one with so much invested. why won't it ever connect. am i really that worthless, to not even accept our own defeat & yet work on a runner up. you could be of so much help if you just never disappeared. & what you don't know, i never seemed to get out of this hole that seemed to have been collapsing as you left. remember how hopeful i despite knowing my entire life was being ripped to shreds? that's me now, except i think its time for me to surrender all of my dreams. faulty brakes echo greater schemes. maybe my life is on a fast track towards failure & despite how careful i maneuver, or how hard i slam my foot down, it won't stop. & here i lay, in my cell. only truly confessing my unhappiness to the one who i thought could save me. the only one who could keep me sane during your absense. yet, all along, i was wrong. foolishly waiting, as i always do. that's never gonna resolve or work out for me, i'm an idiot. & you, i need to keep slamming it into my head, you're never going to return. my happiness, will never return. fuck my heart. guess this is why i have 'make numb your heart' tattooed into my chest. because times like these, it will swallow me hole. two of the worst years of my life, slamming against the walls of my skull. what am i writing for?

s.o.s.

circles.

puzzling thought process of my mind. driving in a circle for hours, metaphors for greater pictures. or something of the sort. i spend my nights between my 4 walls. rehearsing the daydreams & wishful escapes. my heart slows itself with careful steps. where the fuck did i get off track. i often wonder. i find myself still wishing for that big change. the big bang to recreate myself & to feel new again, happy again. always waiting. i get sucked back through a portal. remembering, better times, happier days. i keep wishing for that open window. careful to not have it slam back down on my fingers. it could be my cure, the only way to rid me of these ghosts. well, ghost. meanwhile, the wind whistles & she tugs me backwards. it was so great but yet so complicated. it was so great that i felt like i found what i was looking for. no one else matter in the greater picture of the past two years, expired. these tiny footsteps, around my cage. poking at the memory, laughing silently knowing that i will never have it back. no one seems to understand, she's out of my reach. maybe we really arent on the same wavelength. maybe i'm just insane. i am a lunatic. so what is it about you that keeps me from running? maybe its the fact that no one has ever really cared. only you. maybe i dunno. fuck. i quit. i'm done typing...

restructure.

relocated. such a different tempo to work with. adjustments & the lack there of. daydreams of restarting. yet, at times, dreams of reliving. only two things could take out my knees & keep me from running. on the left, the ghost that haunts me. time passes into mountains. i cannot scale, yet there's this feeling, i can't explain, but it feels like there's something missing. someone knows something i don't. to the right, could it be worth my own sanity? after all, this is the one that made me see it differently. we're dragging our feet, avoiding who knows. i'm waiting for something to happen. i'm willing to turn hard at this fork in the road. do something.

chapters.

intending to call it quits i got myself wrapped back into hope. only to shortly after be tossed off a bridge. fun. not. i'm leaving this town i've planted my feet so firmly in. new things are a-brewin', as well as fantastic ideas relating to yesterdays, yesteryears. yes. changes, change in my pockets. it collects & adds up. i guess a piece of me will always remain optimistic about tomorrow. after all, something about satellites sounds... shit, i can't remember how to spell it. short, brief. never directly to the point. i guess my thoughts are always to be continued. hey, did i mention, i'm moving!

teeth into skin.

dearest blog, sorry for the absence. i haven't really been all there to begin with. lots on the mind with a staggering time-line in formation. there's all kinds of thoughts & reflections dripping out & drowning me. not really sure where to go with my fingertip translations, don't want to ramble about revelations as i'm half awake, or half asleep. like the typical human in my age group, i used to keep my thoughts sealed in the realm of livejournal. so i started to briefly re-read some old posts & stacked those on top of cross-paths with additional ghosts, as well as the currents rushing around my brain. i think i'm past losing my mind. everything seems to contradict the moment. or the moment contradicts the past. makes me wonder what/who is real anymore? am i wasting my time with every/anything? there was this point a couple months ago, where i felt amazing, i felt better than i had in years & it was incredible. prior to that, i swore every flawed situation was going to be the last time. now i finally think i'm calling it quits. i don't even know what to make of right now, well not exactly right now, but the moments surrounding now-ish. not sure anymore. the final kiss, unknowingly final, remains that in many ways. the last kiss was my last kiss. no point in running around reruns, same old bullshit, different faces. no thanks. i'm tired. i'm rambling. i'll write something some other time. my bed remains empty. come over, lets watch a movie.

sinking ship.

& here i am, a jumbled mass of scrambled thoughts. i find myself running frantic aboard this fading ship. two hearts aren't enough to save me. the failed attempts at destination do nothing more but remind me of the ghost of yesterday. where did i go wrong? so now i start to think. maybe its not the ship & its actually me that is fading fast... time is still my enemy. numbers make my life more difficult. i drift back into this vision of what if? what if you came back to save me? it's never going to happen & meanwhile this ship is springing leaks. i'll name them. this one is my uncertain future & potential lack of a home. time is ticking, swallowing more water. this one is my lack of money & my inability to save or take care of debts on time. choking. this one is the girls, or lack thereof that seem to carry shackles & strap them to my ankles. i don't get this. they don't get me. mayday! mayday! there's too much water & i cannot think straight. will someone come save me? nearly two years at sea & i'm sinking fast. abandon ship!

to my long lost queen, my empire is false. my banner now reads "S.O.S."

versus time.

every tick & every tock is a reminder of the nature of time. it slows down for no one, it does more harm than it does good. to reflect via calender. what do we learn in the very moment? as days have passed. four weeks ago. a month ago. a couple of years ago. grasping at answers, the future seems like an empty promise as the past gathers & builds it’s army of facts & memories. any second now or every second from now. a few million from now or a billion ticking sounds. waiting patiently. something i’m no friend of. will the days be better? waiting to wake up one day to the whispers of "you’re going to be okay".

signed, daydreamer.

drawing a blank.

there's so many ways to look at the view, so many different angles, yet none of them seem to focus just enough to make sense. squinting, guessing, waiting, wading, wondering, wandering. there's only so many ways to run around this mountain until i can no longer stand, until i can no longer breathe & sink deeper into everything beneath my feet. this mountain of memories, thoughts & ideas, hopefully mutually believed to be good times. & like some sort of aftermath of celebration. perhaps a celebration of separation. barely standing, reluctantly awaiting the clean up crew. this party was unplanned but it sure as hell was amazing. to say, everything was going great yet in the end, i'm left with bits & pieces, things to sweep up into a pile. dive head first into it, dissecting every clue. trying to find a way to prove this isn't just in my head. is it? time vs. hope vs something else... hey, look! here's a piece of something that isn't quite like me. if i was making this up, why would this be here? & let's not forget, this issue of time is closing in around me. suffocating me like my favorite blanket, twisted around my throat. comfort is lost.

no one sees me falling apart on top of my mountain. everyone is too busy looking down to look up. i'm trying to gather some sort of signal so that when i scream, sooner or later, someone may hear me. until then...

doctor emmett brown. where are you?

voiceless.

this evening had me on the verge of volcanic explosions seeping from my brain stem through my mouth hole. yet through so much confusion transformed into frustration, i was halted & distracted by other means of excitement, more to come on that... anyway. so much to say yet it's so very hard to express myself accordingly. i find myself drowning in the words of other's songs. such a silly question to think, do we all have the same size feet? cause those words keep jumping out at me. but yet i can't figure out a solution. knowing "time has got us by the wrist now". wondering if the destructive nature in other songs seem to be on the same page. still unsure & ever so confused. lets end this one with "everything must go wrong before it goes right".

don't let me down...

collapse.

i thought i found the strength to stand up straight, but lo & behold, it all came crashing down. my empire of false hope. what am i to do?

me as a moon.

it's been a while since spitting out my ramblings. amidst all the chaos, clarity of sorts & change of sorts have both been ever so present. in the back of my head, i still hear ryan noble telling me to "follow your heart", & i think the feeling of wasting feet & dragging my time has finally made sense to me. just a simple test of sorts. makes sense. go figure. those were my thoughts. as time progressed, the ground rumbled like a hungry stomach & i felt a shift beneath my feet. lending a hand & doing backflips into prior lives. out of the corner of my eye, i spy, a new me. like a box of fresh legos, i started building my mountain. time moves forward & i continued to press shapes into blocks. life then decides to attempt it's own backflip & twist my wrist. tug, tug. so here i was, better than before, slowly progressing towards greater versions of stale examples. a few bumps followed by a major bump. fuck me, i got sick as shit. thought it was the flu but little did i expect it to be strep throat. took a lot of time off from work. got better, getting better. still as much as life can be crap, it still feels like it's getting better. forward thinking, forward moving. wrapped up in connection in all forms. i forgot what its like to feel this amazing. watch out for speedbumps.

in my lack of existence via online blog, i've gotten a new haircut, i've gotten sick & gotten better, i saw be kind rewind, i made sense of nonsense, i also got new tires. go me.

departures.

a long time ago the idea of my solo project came about during a time of personal disaster. the idea was to conceptualize a release based on my thoughts & feelings in that time. things pretty much fell through. the real live band i had backing me was leaning towards a very indie feel, the crap i did, spur of the moment, in my bedroom was just layers of chaotic noise to me. the idea of what i wanted in the grand scheme of things was pretty much a better version of what i had going on musically at the time. recently i entered the studio & began tracking a piece of older material. recorded acoustic guitar to a click track. came back a week later & laid down a few guitar tracks, plugged in & rippin'. had one of the guys at the studio lay down SOLID drum tracks. now i wait idly to return & add bass & vocals. the result, my first studio recording as my solo project. however. this doesn't fit a particular idea of theme as to what i feel i should be doing. this is merely an attempt to produce & provide proof of my abilities, especially now that take today is done. now onto the good stuff...

i realized as of last night what exactly i should be doing. i'm starting small & only planning an ep titled "departures" which will be somewhat of a concept album. the idea behind it is all of the major departures in my life leading to my current state of being. major heartbreak, the decision to end things musically with projects i've spent so much time working on, the idea of wanting & feeling the need to leave this place, & the impending situation of my mother leaving to go home to thailand. these things plus so many more actually amount to all of the stress & such that i'm going through. finally things make sense. i need to put my feelings out there & strip away the layers of metaphors that i've surrounded myself in. this is a departure from the old me & a step towards eventually the new me. musically, personally, etc.

this new recording i'm working on, however, it has no home aka album. so maybe i should create an album of "b-sides" known as Arrivals. we'll worry about that later. i need a live backing band, haha!

cold.

there's nothing i want more than to fall in love again. i never let my guard down enough to say it as straightforward as right now, but after all this holiday crap being shoved into everyone's face & this vibe i get from this Zero Zero record. i just miss that feeling. i'm tired of bit & pieces, i'm tired of words wrapped in half truths. i want the real thing. i had it once. i want it again & this time it needs to not expire. fuck you holidays for making me feel like shit. i'm over being lonely & being worth only so little to everyone.

fading.

so last night was another match against the notorious tylenol pm. in the middle of the night, i went to move & couldn't. it was the feeling i couldn't place. the effects of the medicine had stolen my strengths & when i would lift my arms, they would fall right down. i was powerless. it was strange. i didn't like it. i guess this is reason enough that i never bothered with drugs & shit. ever.

the DESA boys put out another free ep. it's pretty good. something new to wrap my brain around. i also recently ordered some stuff from red leader records. something fresh for the current i suppose.

been letting my thoughts get the best of me lately. i've been running through many thoughts stemming from the span of months. starting to question the validity of things. never good. too much time to think. i need some sort of answers. i dunno. blah.

drugged.

so i mentioned earlier on the phone with julie about the past couple of nights & how i've been sick this week & have been taking medicine as much as possible. one of the medicines i've been taking is supposed to help with sleeplessness. now for someone as sober as me, i don't know much about any sort of intoxicated state of mind. however, i believe these past few nights is a bit of an example. i vague remember the nights where my ex would take sleeping pills & just kind of be out of her mind in a way. so with the aide of these medications, i've noticed slipping out of sleep briefly & feeling completely out of body or something. it's weird. i just remember trying to move & my body not feeling like it was connected. hard to say. it's just weird. i guess this is why i never wanted to get involved with anything bad & always kept my life clean. not really a fan of not being in control of my body.

yup.

in other news, the take today stuff is completely mixed. i also started working on a bit of my solo stuff. i'm pretty stoked just because of all the ideas that have been flowing since tracking last night. now i just need to be not sick. goodnight.

dual brains

i need an extra brain. the less i write, the more i forget. i'm actually trying to back-track & research my last week or so, in order to keep you up-to-date. lately, the weekends involve lots of time spent with my nephew as well as the occasional trip to hang out with alina. eat &/or movie. last week on monday, my dad paid for me & my brother to take my nephew to watch the WWE's Monday Night Raw in philly. my nephew had no idea & me & my brother did a good job at surprising him. it made me so happy to see how excited my nephew was. he's a lucky kid. the days after have been a blur. paying bills, buying movies, hanging with pj. wednesday of last week i finally got around to taking care of my cellphone bill. talked to the guy a bit & actually ended up getting the new RAZR2 phone for $50. pretty much a steal! so that ruled. the next night i stopped by the studio to pay jay & since i had nothing better to do, hung around for a bit. friday after work i ended up heading towards new brunswick & got to see nakatomi plaza play in a basement. the rest of the weekend i spent laying low & hanging with my newphew. sunday i worked a bit since it was superbowl sunday. doesn't hurt to make some extra cash. monday night i took my mom out to the movies, as we were leaving, i was waiting for her near the restroom & out of nowhere my dad comes walking out of one of the theaters. so we talked & my mom comes out. so the 3 of us are walking out of the theater & it felt weird. never in my life did i expect to be caught up in that moment. apparently, according to my dad, i was 4 the last time that happened. shit. tuesday after work i decided to cash in all of my change. ended up leaving with $242.79! go me. took care of bills & stayed in for the most part. i started to get sick at the start of the week & i've been doing all i can to keep from getting worse. yup. that's it. that's my past couple of weeks for the most part. i got some things on my mind lately & i plan on writing more soon. til then...

my feet are cold.

i'm in the van, on our way back from seeing the lawrence arms & hot water music, of whom played a reunion show. larry arms put on a great show. HWM was incredible despite playing tons of stuff from the era i didn't like.

elsewhere on my mind... i'm really missing her. i'm not sure where things stand. last sunday was great for what it was. seeing each other finally after so much time apart. her hands holding mine. oh & lets not forget that incredible kiss. can't think of another kiss better than hers. then there's the other morning at work when the 6 pizzas did an epic job at fogging my windows & i was reminded of a little message she wrote. i'm falling, again. i'm just confused as to where we stand & what tomorrow brings. i'm actually surprised i'm being this open on here about this aspect but hey, its on my mind & i'm really digging her... whether or not she believes me.

i'm hungry. my battery is at 39%. my feet are freezing & after all of this, i still gotta drive home from ian's. i just wanna crash. i hope she calls. hey everyone, i'm turning into a sap! til next time..

windshield reminders.

after a while it felt like we were become strangers. we were growing stranger. the distance in time makes it harder to stay connected. what is true? ya know? things felt too distant & the trail left in the sand felt like they were made by concrete shoes. the stress gets the best & winter never seems to help. explosions. wreckage. a day later. lets be honest. unexpected phone call. attempt of sorts to fix the situation. i think i mentioned this last time. so vague plans were set & fell through quicksand. disbelief of hopefulness. still seemed like things were on a better path. next i did my best to become a map. good job! today a text, request. "meet me at 5:30" more or less. no real plans but who is complaining. when its been so long, connection is better than adventure. weird in a way. i lost my notes on how to be. how we were? gradually. drifted in orbit. gravity. thank you mr. newton. those hands. those eyes. those lips. my mind, those lips. felt good to be back. felt safer. its worth the risk. oh & lets not forgot the best text tonight. win! to be continued? lets hope!

slacking.

hello blog, its been a while. been kinda busy lately. which is good & bad at the same time. so where do we start? of the things i can recall, i saw Juno again on saturday. such a good flick. ellen page, call me! haha. sunday i started to crash from such an adventurous weekend. me & preuss ended up going to friendly's for dinner then i went home & crashed due to a headache. monday i went into work & got con'd into working a double. 11 hours. woo! not fun! tuesday i worked & went into the studio to continue wrapping up the take today jams. some things didn't play out as hoped & as a result, a "situation" occurred with someone. got home late. wednesday was pretty much a repeat of tuesday. i ended up doing some more vocals which was fun. got a phone call which pretty much was a step towards resolving previous day's situation. thursday was a crap day for work. pretty much blew all of my money after work. junk food. diner with brad & leslie. Cloverfield with pj. wasn't the worst movie i've seen but definitely not worth the hype. i think audience made it better. haha. throughout the evening, scattered phonecalls, always welcomed. friday is next, time to sleep so i can live it. goodnight

things worth pointing out:

• Take Today recordings have cost me $1250 thus far. not including the many pizzas i've bought jay at the studio. i have funded the entire thing myself.
• while still on the subject of take today, i decided to call it quits & end the band. for good? we'll see. but for now, it's done. i will get into more details another time, probably via the band's myspace account.
  
• also, while still on the music front... the Empty Handed NJ cd is finished. i posted 6 of the songs on our myspace.
  

progress.

the past few days i've made it a point to disconnect myself a bit. things were spinning a little too out of control in my head. had to slow down & catch my breath. i retraced certain steps & almost found a bit of clarity. made some decisions in my head. wrapped my brain around different aspects of my life & put some more focus where it was needed. i think i'm on the right path.

after work i called pj & we ventured out on my much needed trip to nyc. the mission: michel gondry. for those of you unfamiliar... he is the french director of great films such as the science of sleep & eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. so after driving around at work for 5 hours. we took the riverline from burlington to trenton, nj transit train from trenton to nyc, then the subway from penn station to soho. we walked a few blocks & found the apple store. we were late getting there but it was fuckin' rad to see him there in person. lucky for us... he was meeting & talking to people afterwards. so finally i get to meet my favorite director & show him my tattoo inspired by one of his early short films. he was stoked! he even took pictures of my arm, i felt awesome! pj snapped a photo of us together & once my internet stops being a dick, i'll have it up. afterwards, we found ourselves an american apparel & spent too much money. further travels lead us to chipotle & that hit the spot. finally we make it back towards the train after a brief stop in times square. come to realize that once we make it to trenton, we're stranded. no more bus or riverline by that time. thankfully after some guilt trippin', alina dragged allie along to rescue us. in return we took them to the diner & parted ways afterwards. now here i am, 4am. epic days ahead. fucked up internet via recent rainstorm. goodnight.

replaceable.

i'm having trouble putting my thoughts together tonight. i'm not really sure what it is. perhaps the fact that i have a million thoughts spinning around my brain in orbit. perhaps the inner fear that things are going to come crashing down around me. i don't feel safe standing upon the ground below me. sleep has become a stranger to me. i feel like i may have cursed myself. i tried to change up my surrounding & i tried to find some sort of cure. but sadly, my dreams prefer haunting me & cheating me out of rest. i toss & turn endlessly. those nightly sonic reminders of an angel have faded. there's really no one left to save me. not even myself. it's puzzling, i don't know where it went wrong. i think writing about this situation is the problem with writing my thoughts tonight. i put my plans of self destruction on hold, i opened up myself completely. i've remained nothing but honest & even cut ties in some cases. i was willing to give myself completely. yet i find myself struggling in discontent. what happened? fuck. i can't think at all.

houndstooth.

the charred remains of a bridge. with no other option but to travel across the frozen water. the debris left a huge crack on the surface. & as it grows, i begin to drown. i feel my lungs fill & weigh me down. lower & deeper, further away from the surface. of course we all wait for that familiar rope, but this time i don't feel it. there's a voice rippling down towards me, trying to calm the insanity. it'll get better, just be patient. but then she comes whispering into my ear. is this all in my head?

time transforms itself into this puzzle. seconds into minutes into days into weeks into months. missing pieces makes it harder to determine what i'm looking at. keep holding on, once in a while there's a clue. should i trust this? i'm throwing guesses, i'm trying to figure this out, but it's even harder to think with the timer ticking away in my ear.

tell me otherwise.

outer space.

i hate the days where the lack thereof makes my brain blast off into orbit & proceeds to send the negative back in a whirlwind. oh & it doesn't help that the calender is my enemy. the structured reminders, graph of numbers. boo! stop reminding me. i'm not even sure what's leading me in certain directions at times. its a mess & i'm not sure if it's just wasted breath. keep breathing. there's signs everywhere, the littlest things, making it much more believable. i will remain.

as for the part of me that is grounded on earth. i'm freezing. but isn't that always the case? shit. i pause to think about warmer weather or perhaps warmer locations & i hear a reminder. i wish my mind would skip the 50 yard dash & move onto marathons. at least the surroundings would then change & perhaps distract me. so i'm cold. it takes a while for my feet to warm up. this actually results into a bad sleep pattern. i struggle with the night to keep warm. by the time i'm comfortable i find myself wondering how long have i been laying there. then i realize i'm awake & moments later my alarm goes off. i would really like to get some rest for once. it's been this way for over a year & a half. it's like sleep has become some sort of gold medal. keep running.

another problem is that i'm stacking all sorts of facts into a pile & it's making my view on things change for the worse. perhaps not, maybe for the better. i'm not as organized as i would like to be. so in the end i feel cluttered & insane. she tells me i'm not crazy.

clutter.

a new beginning, or so the world claims. day one is like some sort of solution to all the bullshit leading to the final day of the year. yet yesterday feels just like today, except everyone walks & talks like zombies. worship the calender & make a silly list, a war with your intents, prepare for the arrival of the new you. it's always the same, start a fresh race forward only to realize you've only gone backwards. yup.

except for me?

the fuse has been lit. it's easier to not blame laziness or reluctance on another year gone by but to blame in on the same year. if that makes sense? a lot of things are estimated for change this year & honestly, that itself changes everything. yes. everything.

before the explosion of change. rewind.

not too much to report. time to time, questioning my own sanity with hints of advice & even her telling me i cant be insane. that works. brief moments of rock & roll with my new guitar, a sudden burst of inspiration which could possibly lead to a premature exploration into the randomness of my mind. you'll see when it manifests itself. big words, woo! moments of loss & the opposite. dinner with friends you don't picture yourself with often but the moment is ripe. little things leading to bigger things. after all, this is the new year & its all about change change change! random phones translate into smiles. pizza pies leading to discounts in studios. if you know, you understand. if not, don't worry.

straight-forward. i bought some movies after work. Shoot 'Em Up & Hard Candy. i saw Shoot 'Em Up in theaters so i decided to check out Hard Candy. before seeing Juno, pj mention recognizing Ellen Page from Hard Candy. i decided to look it up & read up on it a bit. sounded really interesting. guess what? it was nuts! i dig. go watch it. i'm working on straightening out some money & looking forward to less bills. i don't know what else to write right now cause i'm actually pretty tired & i've got a couple of long days lined up. i'll be back soon! 2008, woo!