foolishly.

the feeling that finally things were making sense, or that perhaps i was finally on the right step. the idea that maybe things will be amazing again, all of my cares, vaporized. the thought that for once i might be close to being happy again. a smile, a laugh, her eyes, my daydreaming. boy was i a fool. an idiot, to say the least. answers within reach, yet i neglected to step foot on that side of the fence. i foolish caution created nearly 2 years ago when the same curiousity did more than just kill the cat. & where are you, of all people, the one with so much invested. why won't it ever connect. am i really that worthless, to not even accept our own defeat & yet work on a runner up. you could be of so much help if you just never disappeared. & what you don't know, i never seemed to get out of this hole that seemed to have been collapsing as you left. remember how hopeful i despite knowing my entire life was being ripped to shreds? that's me now, except i think its time for me to surrender all of my dreams. faulty brakes echo greater schemes. maybe my life is on a fast track towards failure & despite how careful i maneuver, or how hard i slam my foot down, it won't stop. & here i lay, in my cell. only truly confessing my unhappiness to the one who i thought could save me. the only one who could keep me sane during your absense. yet, all along, i was wrong. foolishly waiting, as i always do. that's never gonna resolve or work out for me, i'm an idiot. & you, i need to keep slamming it into my head, you're never going to return. my happiness, will never return. fuck my heart. guess this is why i have 'make numb your heart' tattooed into my chest. because times like these, it will swallow me hole. two of the worst years of my life, slamming against the walls of my skull. what am i writing for?

s.o.s.