foolishly.

the feeling that finally things were making sense, or that perhaps i was finally on the right step. the idea that maybe things will be amazing again, all of my cares, vaporized. the thought that for once i might be close to being happy again. a smile, a laugh, her eyes, my daydreaming. boy was i a fool. an idiot, to say the least. answers within reach, yet i neglected to step foot on that side of the fence. i foolish caution created nearly 2 years ago when the same curiousity did more than just kill the cat. & where are you, of all people, the one with so much invested. why won't it ever connect. am i really that worthless, to not even accept our own defeat & yet work on a runner up. you could be of so much help if you just never disappeared. & what you don't know, i never seemed to get out of this hole that seemed to have been collapsing as you left. remember how hopeful i despite knowing my entire life was being ripped to shreds? that's me now, except i think its time for me to surrender all of my dreams. faulty brakes echo greater schemes. maybe my life is on a fast track towards failure & despite how careful i maneuver, or how hard i slam my foot down, it won't stop. & here i lay, in my cell. only truly confessing my unhappiness to the one who i thought could save me. the only one who could keep me sane during your absense. yet, all along, i was wrong. foolishly waiting, as i always do. that's never gonna resolve or work out for me, i'm an idiot. & you, i need to keep slamming it into my head, you're never going to return. my happiness, will never return. fuck my heart. guess this is why i have 'make numb your heart' tattooed into my chest. because times like these, it will swallow me hole. two of the worst years of my life, slamming against the walls of my skull. what am i writing for?

s.o.s.

circles.

puzzling thought process of my mind. driving in a circle for hours, metaphors for greater pictures. or something of the sort. i spend my nights between my 4 walls. rehearsing the daydreams & wishful escapes. my heart slows itself with careful steps. where the fuck did i get off track. i often wonder. i find myself still wishing for that big change. the big bang to recreate myself & to feel new again, happy again. always waiting. i get sucked back through a portal. remembering, better times, happier days. i keep wishing for that open window. careful to not have it slam back down on my fingers. it could be my cure, the only way to rid me of these ghosts. well, ghost. meanwhile, the wind whistles & she tugs me backwards. it was so great but yet so complicated. it was so great that i felt like i found what i was looking for. no one else matter in the greater picture of the past two years, expired. these tiny footsteps, around my cage. poking at the memory, laughing silently knowing that i will never have it back. no one seems to understand, she's out of my reach. maybe we really arent on the same wavelength. maybe i'm just insane. i am a lunatic. so what is it about you that keeps me from running? maybe its the fact that no one has ever really cared. only you. maybe i dunno. fuck. i quit. i'm done typing...

restructure.

relocated. such a different tempo to work with. adjustments & the lack there of. daydreams of restarting. yet, at times, dreams of reliving. only two things could take out my knees & keep me from running. on the left, the ghost that haunts me. time passes into mountains. i cannot scale, yet there's this feeling, i can't explain, but it feels like there's something missing. someone knows something i don't. to the right, could it be worth my own sanity? after all, this is the one that made me see it differently. we're dragging our feet, avoiding who knows. i'm waiting for something to happen. i'm willing to turn hard at this fork in the road. do something.