my feet are cold.

i'm in the van, on our way back from seeing the lawrence arms & hot water music, of whom played a reunion show. larry arms put on a great show. HWM was incredible despite playing tons of stuff from the era i didn't like.

elsewhere on my mind... i'm really missing her. i'm not sure where things stand. last sunday was great for what it was. seeing each other finally after so much time apart. her hands holding mine. oh & lets not forget that incredible kiss. can't think of another kiss better than hers. then there's the other morning at work when the 6 pizzas did an epic job at fogging my windows & i was reminded of a little message she wrote. i'm falling, again. i'm just confused as to where we stand & what tomorrow brings. i'm actually surprised i'm being this open on here about this aspect but hey, its on my mind & i'm really digging her... whether or not she believes me.

i'm hungry. my battery is at 39%. my feet are freezing & after all of this, i still gotta drive home from ian's. i just wanna crash. i hope she calls. hey everyone, i'm turning into a sap! til next time..

windshield reminders.

after a while it felt like we were become strangers. we were growing stranger. the distance in time makes it harder to stay connected. what is true? ya know? things felt too distant & the trail left in the sand felt like they were made by concrete shoes. the stress gets the best & winter never seems to help. explosions. wreckage. a day later. lets be honest. unexpected phone call. attempt of sorts to fix the situation. i think i mentioned this last time. so vague plans were set & fell through quicksand. disbelief of hopefulness. still seemed like things were on a better path. next i did my best to become a map. good job! today a text, request. "meet me at 5:30" more or less. no real plans but who is complaining. when its been so long, connection is better than adventure. weird in a way. i lost my notes on how to be. how we were? gradually. drifted in orbit. gravity. thank you mr. newton. those hands. those eyes. those lips. my mind, those lips. felt good to be back. felt safer. its worth the risk. oh & lets not forgot the best text tonight. win! to be continued? lets hope!

slacking.

hello blog, its been a while. been kinda busy lately. which is good & bad at the same time. so where do we start? of the things i can recall, i saw Juno again on saturday. such a good flick. ellen page, call me! haha. sunday i started to crash from such an adventurous weekend. me & preuss ended up going to friendly's for dinner then i went home & crashed due to a headache. monday i went into work & got con'd into working a double. 11 hours. woo! not fun! tuesday i worked & went into the studio to continue wrapping up the take today jams. some things didn't play out as hoped & as a result, a "situation" occurred with someone. got home late. wednesday was pretty much a repeat of tuesday. i ended up doing some more vocals which was fun. got a phone call which pretty much was a step towards resolving previous day's situation. thursday was a crap day for work. pretty much blew all of my money after work. junk food. diner with brad & leslie. Cloverfield with pj. wasn't the worst movie i've seen but definitely not worth the hype. i think audience made it better. haha. throughout the evening, scattered phonecalls, always welcomed. friday is next, time to sleep so i can live it. goodnight

things worth pointing out:

• Take Today recordings have cost me $1250 thus far. not including the many pizzas i've bought jay at the studio. i have funded the entire thing myself.
• while still on the subject of take today, i decided to call it quits & end the band. for good? we'll see. but for now, it's done. i will get into more details another time, probably via the band's myspace account.
  
• also, while still on the music front... the Empty Handed NJ cd is finished. i posted 6 of the songs on our myspace.
  

progress.

the past few days i've made it a point to disconnect myself a bit. things were spinning a little too out of control in my head. had to slow down & catch my breath. i retraced certain steps & almost found a bit of clarity. made some decisions in my head. wrapped my brain around different aspects of my life & put some more focus where it was needed. i think i'm on the right path.

after work i called pj & we ventured out on my much needed trip to nyc. the mission: michel gondry. for those of you unfamiliar... he is the french director of great films such as the science of sleep & eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. so after driving around at work for 5 hours. we took the riverline from burlington to trenton, nj transit train from trenton to nyc, then the subway from penn station to soho. we walked a few blocks & found the apple store. we were late getting there but it was fuckin' rad to see him there in person. lucky for us... he was meeting & talking to people afterwards. so finally i get to meet my favorite director & show him my tattoo inspired by one of his early short films. he was stoked! he even took pictures of my arm, i felt awesome! pj snapped a photo of us together & once my internet stops being a dick, i'll have it up. afterwards, we found ourselves an american apparel & spent too much money. further travels lead us to chipotle & that hit the spot. finally we make it back towards the train after a brief stop in times square. come to realize that once we make it to trenton, we're stranded. no more bus or riverline by that time. thankfully after some guilt trippin', alina dragged allie along to rescue us. in return we took them to the diner & parted ways afterwards. now here i am, 4am. epic days ahead. fucked up internet via recent rainstorm. goodnight.

replaceable.

i'm having trouble putting my thoughts together tonight. i'm not really sure what it is. perhaps the fact that i have a million thoughts spinning around my brain in orbit. perhaps the inner fear that things are going to come crashing down around me. i don't feel safe standing upon the ground below me. sleep has become a stranger to me. i feel like i may have cursed myself. i tried to change up my surrounding & i tried to find some sort of cure. but sadly, my dreams prefer haunting me & cheating me out of rest. i toss & turn endlessly. those nightly sonic reminders of an angel have faded. there's really no one left to save me. not even myself. it's puzzling, i don't know where it went wrong. i think writing about this situation is the problem with writing my thoughts tonight. i put my plans of self destruction on hold, i opened up myself completely. i've remained nothing but honest & even cut ties in some cases. i was willing to give myself completely. yet i find myself struggling in discontent. what happened? fuck. i can't think at all.

houndstooth.

the charred remains of a bridge. with no other option but to travel across the frozen water. the debris left a huge crack on the surface. & as it grows, i begin to drown. i feel my lungs fill & weigh me down. lower & deeper, further away from the surface. of course we all wait for that familiar rope, but this time i don't feel it. there's a voice rippling down towards me, trying to calm the insanity. it'll get better, just be patient. but then she comes whispering into my ear. is this all in my head?

time transforms itself into this puzzle. seconds into minutes into days into weeks into months. missing pieces makes it harder to determine what i'm looking at. keep holding on, once in a while there's a clue. should i trust this? i'm throwing guesses, i'm trying to figure this out, but it's even harder to think with the timer ticking away in my ear.

tell me otherwise.

outer space.

i hate the days where the lack thereof makes my brain blast off into orbit & proceeds to send the negative back in a whirlwind. oh & it doesn't help that the calender is my enemy. the structured reminders, graph of numbers. boo! stop reminding me. i'm not even sure what's leading me in certain directions at times. its a mess & i'm not sure if it's just wasted breath. keep breathing. there's signs everywhere, the littlest things, making it much more believable. i will remain.

as for the part of me that is grounded on earth. i'm freezing. but isn't that always the case? shit. i pause to think about warmer weather or perhaps warmer locations & i hear a reminder. i wish my mind would skip the 50 yard dash & move onto marathons. at least the surroundings would then change & perhaps distract me. so i'm cold. it takes a while for my feet to warm up. this actually results into a bad sleep pattern. i struggle with the night to keep warm. by the time i'm comfortable i find myself wondering how long have i been laying there. then i realize i'm awake & moments later my alarm goes off. i would really like to get some rest for once. it's been this way for over a year & a half. it's like sleep has become some sort of gold medal. keep running.

another problem is that i'm stacking all sorts of facts into a pile & it's making my view on things change for the worse. perhaps not, maybe for the better. i'm not as organized as i would like to be. so in the end i feel cluttered & insane. she tells me i'm not crazy.

clutter.

a new beginning, or so the world claims. day one is like some sort of solution to all the bullshit leading to the final day of the year. yet yesterday feels just like today, except everyone walks & talks like zombies. worship the calender & make a silly list, a war with your intents, prepare for the arrival of the new you. it's always the same, start a fresh race forward only to realize you've only gone backwards. yup.

except for me?

the fuse has been lit. it's easier to not blame laziness or reluctance on another year gone by but to blame in on the same year. if that makes sense? a lot of things are estimated for change this year & honestly, that itself changes everything. yes. everything.

before the explosion of change. rewind.

not too much to report. time to time, questioning my own sanity with hints of advice & even her telling me i cant be insane. that works. brief moments of rock & roll with my new guitar, a sudden burst of inspiration which could possibly lead to a premature exploration into the randomness of my mind. you'll see when it manifests itself. big words, woo! moments of loss & the opposite. dinner with friends you don't picture yourself with often but the moment is ripe. little things leading to bigger things. after all, this is the new year & its all about change change change! random phones translate into smiles. pizza pies leading to discounts in studios. if you know, you understand. if not, don't worry.

straight-forward. i bought some movies after work. Shoot 'Em Up & Hard Candy. i saw Shoot 'Em Up in theaters so i decided to check out Hard Candy. before seeing Juno, pj mention recognizing Ellen Page from Hard Candy. i decided to look it up & read up on it a bit. sounded really interesting. guess what? it was nuts! i dig. go watch it. i'm working on straightening out some money & looking forward to less bills. i don't know what else to write right now cause i'm actually pretty tired & i've got a couple of long days lined up. i'll be back soon! 2008, woo!