departures.

a long time ago the idea of my solo project came about during a time of personal disaster. the idea was to conceptualize a release based on my thoughts & feelings in that time. things pretty much fell through. the real live band i had backing me was leaning towards a very indie feel, the crap i did, spur of the moment, in my bedroom was just layers of chaotic noise to me. the idea of what i wanted in the grand scheme of things was pretty much a better version of what i had going on musically at the time. recently i entered the studio & began tracking a piece of older material. recorded acoustic guitar to a click track. came back a week later & laid down a few guitar tracks, plugged in & rippin'. had one of the guys at the studio lay down SOLID drum tracks. now i wait idly to return & add bass & vocals. the result, my first studio recording as my solo project. however. this doesn't fit a particular idea of theme as to what i feel i should be doing. this is merely an attempt to produce & provide proof of my abilities, especially now that take today is done. now onto the good stuff...

i realized as of last night what exactly i should be doing. i'm starting small & only planning an ep titled "departures" which will be somewhat of a concept album. the idea behind it is all of the major departures in my life leading to my current state of being. major heartbreak, the decision to end things musically with projects i've spent so much time working on, the idea of wanting & feeling the need to leave this place, & the impending situation of my mother leaving to go home to thailand. these things plus so many more actually amount to all of the stress & such that i'm going through. finally things make sense. i need to put my feelings out there & strip away the layers of metaphors that i've surrounded myself in. this is a departure from the old me & a step towards eventually the new me. musically, personally, etc.

this new recording i'm working on, however, it has no home aka album. so maybe i should create an album of "b-sides" known as Arrivals. we'll worry about that later. i need a live backing band, haha!

cold.

there's nothing i want more than to fall in love again. i never let my guard down enough to say it as straightforward as right now, but after all this holiday crap being shoved into everyone's face & this vibe i get from this Zero Zero record. i just miss that feeling. i'm tired of bit & pieces, i'm tired of words wrapped in half truths. i want the real thing. i had it once. i want it again & this time it needs to not expire. fuck you holidays for making me feel like shit. i'm over being lonely & being worth only so little to everyone.

fading.

so last night was another match against the notorious tylenol pm. in the middle of the night, i went to move & couldn't. it was the feeling i couldn't place. the effects of the medicine had stolen my strengths & when i would lift my arms, they would fall right down. i was powerless. it was strange. i didn't like it. i guess this is reason enough that i never bothered with drugs & shit. ever.

the DESA boys put out another free ep. it's pretty good. something new to wrap my brain around. i also recently ordered some stuff from red leader records. something fresh for the current i suppose.

been letting my thoughts get the best of me lately. i've been running through many thoughts stemming from the span of months. starting to question the validity of things. never good. too much time to think. i need some sort of answers. i dunno. blah.

drugged.

so i mentioned earlier on the phone with julie about the past couple of nights & how i've been sick this week & have been taking medicine as much as possible. one of the medicines i've been taking is supposed to help with sleeplessness. now for someone as sober as me, i don't know much about any sort of intoxicated state of mind. however, i believe these past few nights is a bit of an example. i vague remember the nights where my ex would take sleeping pills & just kind of be out of her mind in a way. so with the aide of these medications, i've noticed slipping out of sleep briefly & feeling completely out of body or something. it's weird. i just remember trying to move & my body not feeling like it was connected. hard to say. it's just weird. i guess this is why i never wanted to get involved with anything bad & always kept my life clean. not really a fan of not being in control of my body.

yup.

in other news, the take today stuff is completely mixed. i also started working on a bit of my solo stuff. i'm pretty stoked just because of all the ideas that have been flowing since tracking last night. now i just need to be not sick. goodnight.

dual brains

i need an extra brain. the less i write, the more i forget. i'm actually trying to back-track & research my last week or so, in order to keep you up-to-date. lately, the weekends involve lots of time spent with my nephew as well as the occasional trip to hang out with alina. eat &/or movie. last week on monday, my dad paid for me & my brother to take my nephew to watch the WWE's Monday Night Raw in philly. my nephew had no idea & me & my brother did a good job at surprising him. it made me so happy to see how excited my nephew was. he's a lucky kid. the days after have been a blur. paying bills, buying movies, hanging with pj. wednesday of last week i finally got around to taking care of my cellphone bill. talked to the guy a bit & actually ended up getting the new RAZR2 phone for $50. pretty much a steal! so that ruled. the next night i stopped by the studio to pay jay & since i had nothing better to do, hung around for a bit. friday after work i ended up heading towards new brunswick & got to see nakatomi plaza play in a basement. the rest of the weekend i spent laying low & hanging with my newphew. sunday i worked a bit since it was superbowl sunday. doesn't hurt to make some extra cash. monday night i took my mom out to the movies, as we were leaving, i was waiting for her near the restroom & out of nowhere my dad comes walking out of one of the theaters. so we talked & my mom comes out. so the 3 of us are walking out of the theater & it felt weird. never in my life did i expect to be caught up in that moment. apparently, according to my dad, i was 4 the last time that happened. shit. tuesday after work i decided to cash in all of my change. ended up leaving with $242.79! go me. took care of bills & stayed in for the most part. i started to get sick at the start of the week & i've been doing all i can to keep from getting worse. yup. that's it. that's my past couple of weeks for the most part. i got some things on my mind lately & i plan on writing more soon. til then...