farewell.

good riddance to 2009 and the past decade.

ponder.

one of the harder challenges of maintaining a constantly updated blog is that my words thrive on the jumbled mess of events, stacking around me, overshadowing my ideas & moves. however, i strive for a drama-free life, cutting out the clutter & bullshit, giving me no more reason to be stressed. those hectic days seemed number, leaving more of an effort to keep, at least, a month tab on where i stand. harder to look back when time flies & i've seemed to miss my mark. days spent working way too much. attempting to rest to weary, achy bones. days off, plotting, preparing. weekends spent wandering & laughing at the drama others swim in so deeply, only to realize, as always, this is what i avoid. calenders, still my enemy, make me realize i've grown more permanent about my feelings. with a mindset of "never move backwards" & plenty of reason not to. i traded my old life for this, this mess of things i can't stand quite often. i ponder mistakes & other paths i should've taken. i accept sleepless, lonely nights with the promise of a greater outcome. i write these instrumental songs cause the feelings are so fleeting that i cannot commit them to paper. these days aren't so different. i've just found a better way to accept it.

moments.

cryptic or metaphorical, i hated the last thing written. so i deleted it. since a certain point this month, my mind has raced & created chaos inside my noggin. the weight of overthinking dragged me down. i moved slowly & started to crumble. little pieces of information & the realization of things pushed me out of this slump & put my head in order. time isn't slowing down for me & it seems to move so much faster. lately i'm trying to put everything in order. taking care of things that need to be tended to. a good weekend tucked away in my mind, an agenda dusted off, & as always, the future. i know what i need, i know what i want. from point a to point b on a one way street. "rock & roll, you ate my soul". it ties it all together. a need for revival/return, my crushing desire? from this line, i'll spin in circles, shooting off arrows. strings attached, if you could read my brain, you'd see how it all connects. hopeless or not. i'm only moving forward.

wishful.

the way my brain functions, random flashes of yesteryears. the calender, my known enemy. this date in my history, is terrible. the swirling sounds of broken promises line my eardrums. as i work to pull myself together, i picture these movie-like moments where it all works out in my favor. but that's just in my head.

summer.

for many moons, i've been neglecting to write down my thoughts & time didn't wait. so here i am, surrounded by chaos to the nines. prior to a certain point, my days filled with seemingly endless work hours, limited sleep, & quickly booked up free time. the funds i'd make would run so quickly to the bills i owed. routine, boring days. i saw the neglect in so-called promises from those eyes that used to point towards me. nothing really significant in hindsight or compared to the bigger picture, i suppose. injecting color into my flesh & finally writing music again. music that i felt proud of. finding ways to distance & protect myself. a better direction. i watched a chapter close, a chapter i've known my entire lifetime. a shift in one's life. meanwhile, time & it's cycles crept up with reminders. the phrase "too soon" came with a punch. just briefly after a great one day getaway with someone who never really panned out to what i wanted/needed. hour hand shifts, presents a new day. well wishes sent. not sure how i was feeling. the next morning a bad feeling awaited. the loss of a friend. many unanswer questions & such a terrible feeling. so much confusion came clouding the light of other situations. such scattered focus. my hate for bad timing mixed with my anger towards poor judgment. here i am, days later. still unsure. empty in many ways. as part of me wishes for a moment, the other is still distracted. i hope you found peace, my friend. you are missed and we all love you. rest in peace.

decontrstuct/rebuild

first off. sunday nights equate to no pizza. during a nice relaxing movie watching moment i developed a craving for pizza. a nice well-done 12 inch pizza with extra pepperoni. i call my place of daytime employment to be unanswered. but it was before 10pm, why aren't they picking up? so i tried again moments later to the same result. a call & a text to a fellow driver reveal a change in hours since the start of the year!? had no clue. a ride to dominos only to be told "we're closed" even though the sign was lit. papa johns, another dominos. no one wanted to make money & give me pizza. it was very annoying & left me pizza-less. yes, it's that important that i needed to blog about it.

these days my mind continues to swirl but not to the same extent. the things that had consumed me over the past few years have settled. there's a lot of debris but the storm has passed. as of late, a trial & error of sorts. where do i stand & what am i looking for? no lasting impressions, no serious interests, to say the least. slightly prior, a slippy slope. falling back towards what i had learned to escape. a welcoming feeling but knee deep in bad timing. a real connection, regardless of how fleeting. the pessimistic side of me says to believe nothing is real & nothing ever lasts. it makes me believe that not a single word can be trusted. it's always a matter of the heat of the moment. so if her words aren't solid, then what about the one the year prior? being told how amazing i am but no one sticks to their word. so if their words aren't believable, what about everyone else? what's the point? are we all so scared of the clock? do we fear that we're all running out of time & whatever works is all that matters. settle for falsehoods. everyone is so happy on the outside. i am not a hollow shell. i want something real. i want something lasting. whether its in a relationship or with music. i am tired of the 'good enough for right now' & whatever bullshit fronts people wrap themselves in. maybe i'm just cynical, maybe i'm just so tired & rambling. i am doing the best i can to remain myself. no surrender. i am making a fist. i am making a dent. whether or not it breaks me...

stillness.

to think, time flies too quickly sometimes. an old friend makes a last minute trip back home. plenty of time spent catching up & doing the same things we used to. except we're older now. more bitter now. in the inbetween, a slight trip down. a sound so pleasing, from a beautiful being. yadda yadda. a split second to think about how much things are moving quickly though not everything is grand. preparing for a future that moves too quickly. i'll take the battle wounds & fight my way through it all. i'll raise my fist to this great mystery. this great misery.

severance.

a false start, a teased sense of hopefulness. things getting better then decline. shots of treatment like a sickness of my mind & heart. just a taste of greatness only to make me immune to what i need. beautiful visuals & waking moments wrapped in a need for no end. ignoring time yet cursed with bad timing. stronger in the sense of being self-aware. i miss it but this ship must sail forth. the rest of my mind seems at ease as ghost stories reach final pages of endless chapters. anchors are lifted as i press forth on open waters. a new beginning or just a better sense of clarity. what am i to make out of all of this? i'm missing more than just the old me. here i go removing the layers. s.o.s. still.

reoccuring.

what does it all mean? when the days are getting better & hectic, when bad luck is ever so present. then suddenly. BOOM! things shift, for the better, or so it seems. to grow old & bitter, semi-useless then to grow fond & electrical. it's hard to know where to go from here. things move so quickly they blur into older memories, endless cycles of downward spirals, yet i keep my chin up. to try so hard to get things right & yet at the same time, no matter how ideal resistance can be, i allow myself to be pulled in by the beauty with fingernails pressed into me. these blissful fragments, so jagged & cutting. we're humans, so we are bound to commit acts we acknowledge we shouldn't. no regrets can be spotted. our two roads, however hectic, the ground is trembling, my mind is always racing, every action riddled with caution. in the better moments of the recent past. how did i get so blessed & the question always asked about the sun, will she come back tomorrow?

peeling.

hectic days, nothing too terrible to jot down. except for the car problems. injected ink into skin. two rounds, lots to go. progress. writing again, sonicly of course. not sure where i stand, in a basement shouting nonsense. overthinking, but that's common. money is disappearing faster than appearing, too many bumps in the road. thinking about way too many things. should be sleeping. charlie kaufman is a madman. head has been hurting a lot. my skin is falling off. i think i'm falling apart. bleached. cut. etc. scrambled brainwaves, confusing chemicals. it's only a matter of time.

cars.

so i was in my car, leaving work, suddenly... it shuts off. i go and put it in park, turn the key, nothing. turns out, my engine seized. crap. run around taking it to the shop, getting my situation figured out, as to not bail out on work, run around more, call out of job 2. crap. got a rental, worked the week, get my car back, slight problem, back to normal, kinda. nearly 2 days later, running errands, smell melted plastic, see smoke, car is dead. again. got it towed, should be sleeping, tomorrow is gonna be a bitch of a day. d'oh!

reply.

this is an email i wrote in response to a friend on saturday:

overanalyzation is my brain's number one interest. if i could turn it off, i would but instead i search for ways to distract myself. why else would the only time i left my room was a drive straight to the ocean? cause it intrigues me. as much as i love the beach at night, as much as it calms me, it also terrifies me, with its inky darkness & capability to destroy us all. something about the night, sans bullshit "holidays" has caused a stir in my emotions, for better or worse. something about the long stretch of road, yellow blinking lights, flurries flurrying, & sounds with an influence of the sea. it just gets me, & if you, or anyone, were there, you'd get exactly how i feel right now.

haunted.

i fucking hate it. i try to distance myself cause i know nothing is ever gonna change back to the way it used to be. nothing is ever gonna be as meaningful. but when i least expect it, things pop up that show me what i'm missing. it doesn't help that i am constantly being reminded little things in everything. what the hell. how does this end?!

cloudless.

a failed attempt at making sense of everything. yet, i haven't even gotten started. time is a bastard. i have decided to rearrange certain tasks of accomplishment in my life, for the moment at least. maybe it's what needs to be done, maybe this is just hope i cope with certain things. i should be asleep but i slept the entire day away. my head hurts & for once it wasn't from thinking too much. this blog often leaves me feeling like the pilot skywriting all over the clouds but only to a town of no one paying attention. maybe it's not just the blog. maybe it's me. & everything. ever. i don't know. i need sleep but i'll spend for ever trying to get "rich" on solitaire. currently at $1019 & losing.

uninterested.

slowly falling apart, growing even more distant & cold. sometimes i wish these headaches were merely a brain tumor, not just me over-processing every thought. desperation of sorts. ideas crushing whats left of this so-called beating heart. wistfulness much better translated as crushing, mostly on the destructive side. i have lost all concept of time. as my head continues to hurt, i waste away searching for distractions. sometimes wasting on clues leading backwards. i notice i've stopped caring longer than i've thought. look at me now. sans haircut, lack of shave. lack of desire, unattached. i can't feel anything like i've felt prior to every moment, cause distance molds me like an ice cube. if i fall asleep anytime soon, how long will this slumber last? when i wake up & continue with these tiresome routines, will there be a moment where everything changes & the future tastes different. so parting technologies for this early morning (to me, still evening), am i so stubborn that the only result is being lonely. or is everyone so fucked up & predictable that i've lost interest altogether?

expression.

as the time clocks tick & calenders are replaced, i dig deep for motiavation, inspiration, etc. another year, yadda yadda. a lot of people ask about my music & what's the current state of being. eh. empty handed nj has been pretty inactive despite plenty of talks about what we want to do. needing a bass player is a huge bump. the direction we want to move is quite interesting, mostly in wondering "how would it sound?". take today is best described as "comatose" since most efforts have hit speedbumps in multiples. disappearing acts are a common trend for those who express interest in involvement. i must be musically damned or something. i have ideas, i have lots of ideas, but i need more input. its been suggested over time to just go solo but that's not really my thing. especially since i tend to take more interest in layering & such. we'll see. waiting for the year of comebacks or some shit. HOWEVER. lately i've been getting into photography more so. just recently i ordered a fisheye camera (thanks to justin & sierra for the idea) & it's been pretty fun. i rushed through a roll just to test it out & bought some better film with vague plans at bay. should be interesting, i would hope. see the thing is, when i was younger, before music was #1 to me, i was really into art, in all forms. i always wanted to work with photography but lacked funds & equipment. now that these things are affordable to me, ideas are creeping out from the shadows. i'm excited. are you? so 2009, the other creative side & maybe perhaps the return of the audio? we shall see.