chemicals.

so this attempt to write daily has failed me. just as much as the opening line to this post. over & over & over & over again. so much on my mind, so much expressed to others through metaphoric comparisons, yet i find myself erasing all traces of my thoughts. i'm not getting any younger, obviously. so i guess i can blame it on age or something. things have been swirling in & out of my brain. i find myself being overworked & quickly my earnings tend to disappear. i have goals but i have very little sense of priority. day in day out, i am wrapped about in this tiresome cycle. free time is spent catching up on sleep, which has gotten a little out of control, as well as, paying bills & paying bills. exhaustion has me cutting down my hours in one way or another. none of which makes me happy. none of the above. so this gap in thought expression has been echoed by a lonely train ride home. prior to my turning of age, i had this idea for a photo. due to lack of equipment & lack of reliable people, my idea vanished. the idea was in relation to this concept i've been speaking of for so long. it speaks volumes to me. so where has this week taken me & what in the world is going on in my head that has me so stuck on words?! since relocating in october, one of my main objectives was to find time to see my friends of whom schedules collide. catching up & reminding myself of my surroundings. as the months carried, i found myself in the presence of more distant friends. causing a flow of comparisons & remember whens. matching up moments, past & present, as rather a list of pros & cons of the changes since when. what has changed. what is forever lost. free time, sleep, love. all gone in some way or another. modern times calls for the death of true romance, leaving any chance of something real, with substance, as forgotten as can be. how many of you have really expected your life to take such direction? what were your plans? what are your plans? how come no matter what my issues may be, everyone seems so fucked up? countless mistakes, admitted or not, are being projected by the mass majority of youth that i have at one point or another associated with. how can i keep faith in being happy somewhere down the line if everyone is so miserable & stuck without any effort towards escape? i had the world once, i had something to this day still haunts me from time to time. whether in a daydream, a nightmare, or just a mess of old memories. will i ever find something up to par in such a shitty sea of people? not a clue. i'm just so stressed out at times over the hopelessness of the future. no one makes a true effort anymore, no one thinks things out properly. no one cares anymore. make mistakes & settle for what seems easy. find comfort in false positives. who is real anymore?